How Differences Can Help Your Marriageby Susie and Otto Collins |
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Have you ever wondered why you are in a
marriage
with someone who
is so different from you?
When most people get married, they have an unspoken and even unconscious
agenda that they want to make the other person just like them. We all
have
our individual beliefs about how things are and just because we are now a
"couple," we think that our partner feels and thinks just like we do. The thought
is--"Everything would be okay if you're
just like me, if you like what I like and if
you do things the way I like them to be done."
It may seem obvious--but our
marriage advice is that no two people
alike. No
matter how similar you think you are when you get married and how well matched,
you are two radically different people.
What we have seen over and over--and we're sure you have too--opposites
do attract.
Many people come into relationship with someone who may appear to be the same but sooner or later they discover
just how different they are
and they end up being irritated about it. The truth is that we
all come into a
marriage to grow and if we are with
someone who is very different from us, we have the choice as to how we
react to those differences. We can either come from a place of fear,
righteousness and judgment or from a place of love and growth.
A
recipe for a happy marriage when differences come up is this-- instead of
making your spouse wrong, you have to embrace the differences between
the two of you, learn from them and use them to create a better
relationship. Sound impossible? It isn't and here's why. The two of us have very
similar interests and values when it comes to
learning about love, relationships and spirituality. At the
very core of us, there is a strong "glue" that holds us together. We
are also very different people with very different ways of looking at
life. This fact often makes being married business partners a
challenge! Through the years, we have learned and are still learning how to use
these differences as growth opportunities. Here are some
marriage communication tips that we've discovered as
we've worked with these differences daily to create powerfully together
instead of being at odds and critical of one another: 1. Open to possibilities
When you are closed to the ways of other people and only focus on how
you've always done things, there's no growth. Begin by opening to
hearing that someone else may have a different way of doing something
and a different opinion. Being open means breathing, sitting,
facing
one another in an open way and making eye contact. Be open to
changing
a viewpoint, a way of doing something or even a value if it no longer
serves
you. It doesn't mean giving up being who you are but it means
expanding
who you are. Shift into an attitude of wonder.
2. Let go of needing to be right All of us like to be right but when there are differences, we suggest you
put that "rightness" aside. When we have hung onto being right, it's
been helpful for us to go back to the thought--"Will this attitude move
me closer to what I want or further away." Since what we want is a
closer connection, we usually can let go of being right pretty
quickly. 3. Listen without judging
This is a hard one but really necessary. Take turns talking and
don't interrupt each other. Listen to each other and make an
attempt
to use "yes and" instead of "but" whenever possible. When you
both
feel heard, you will come up with a better solution to your differences
than you could have if you had stayed in your "rightness." 4. Ask "What
can I learn from you?"
This is truly the secret that we've found to dealing with our
differences. Ask yourself "What can I learn from you that will help
me to grow?" and then listen to what comes up inside you. Shifting your attitude from blame
to an openness to learning has
transformed our relationship and we know it can yours too. This week, whenever you are "hit" with
your spouse's differences,
change the way you normally look at those situations. Shift from
annoyance, anger or judgment to openness, wonder and love. We
think you'll
see a positive change in your relationships and
life. For more marriage advice, visit http://www.YourMarriageAdvice.com
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